Ministry For Single Moms

I have lost count of how many single moms I have met that have left the Church.  This is a sad reality given that being a single mom is difficult and needs more support from community and not less.  

Often this is because of the judgement they face while standing in the pews with their children and no partner. It can be in the form of sideways glances or awkward questions like: where is there father, or why did you get a divorce?.

 I forever wander why men don’t face this judgement while standing in Church alone without children.   It seems particularly unfair given that women statistically do the majority of the domestic work, and in this case are the ones that got up early, fed their children, and got them to church.  

As if this was not exhausting enough, now they face judgement when they walk in the door.    I have experienced all of these subtle and no so subtle judgements and have also been rejected communion.  

The reality is there are many single moms who remain married, and we often don’t judge them.  These are women that are raising their children on their own without support from their spouse.  These are the men that expect a thank you for washing the dishes for a meal they didn’t cook, the ones that need a step by step explanation of how to heat up a meal, navigate a grocery store, take a child to the doctor, or pick up a child from school.  

The men who fake incompetence so they are not expected to help out more at home.  The men who can’t be left alone with their children for fear that something bad will happen.  Men that get upset that their wife gets a job meaning that they will have to do more of the domestic work.  

Women often stay in these marriages for fear of exclusion, judgement,  and lack of support.  The problem is that the children are in many cases experiencing resentment, conflict, and a mom who is not happy at home.  This has shown to NOT be healthy for children.  

So if we want to promote healthy families, we need to provide support to change this dynamic and support for women who have tried and had to ultimately decide to walk away.

While the Bible does discourage divorce, I don’t recall the Jesus I read about justifying that women should not only hold down jobs, do the majority of the child care and housework (even when they out earn their husbands), but also stay with a partner who doesn’t love them and respect them.

 It is true thatwomen initiate the majority of divorces however judging and excluding them does nothing to prevent divorce, it only alienates them from the Church.  

If the Church would like to help prevent divorce they need to be working on including women in the decision making of the church, including more participation from men in childcare and the domestic work load, teaching couples constructive conflict,  and teaching men to be in touch with and express their feelings.  However, this is outside the realm of my influence.  What I can influence is helping women who are single moms find their dignity and authentic selves so they can shine their light as single moms.  

Finding happiness as a single mom for me meant setting boundaries, learning that I did not have to give explanations to prying questions, building a community of support, perusing activities that help me shine my light, and dating based on values and with psychological tools.  

I needed to work on myself so that I didn’t repeat the same pattern that took place in my marriage.  I believe that when moms live a balanced healthy life where they exist as dynamic human beings that have a right to take a break, to peruse hobbies that interest them, and be active members of their communities their children thrive.  Finding a way to build a life they love as a single mom is different and my book “Manifesto for Single Moms” is a guide to help them do that.  

As a Church I believe it is our place to support single moms without requiring explanations or judgements.  Supporting single moms, in no way is promoting this lifestyle.  That is like saying supporting widows is promoting loosingyour spouse.  Most single moms would not recommend this path to anyone, it is much easier to raise a child with a supportive partner.   

As a Church we need to be helping the vulnerable in a dignified and wholistic way that helps them shine their unique light.  Manifesto for single moms is a guide to do this for single moms.  

Finding intrinsic happiness that is not based on partnership is essential to have stability at home.  Single moms need to find completeness in their imperfect setup with their faith.  An unwavering happiness based on faith creates emotional stability at home that can’t be swayed by the existence or non-existence of a partner.  Promoting a partner based happiness for single moms makes them vulnerable to co-dependency and rushing into partnerships that may not be stable.  

When people are happy, stable, and complete on their own they are more likely to pursue partnerships that are balanced and healthy.  Also when single moms are happy, stable, and complete on their own they are more likely to make decisions that are best for their family, and less based on unfair demands from their partners.

 Women need to be comfortable leading their families without second guessing themselves.  If a healthy partnership happens, great.  If not, single moms continue to live happy and healthy lives that are good for them and their children.  Children have a right to see their moms supported, accepted, shinning their light, and their faith so that they too can grow up fully in the Church.  

No one should live in fear that if their marriage doesn’t work out that they will not have a loving and accepting environment where they can practice their faith.  God is with us always, particularly in our hardest moments.  

As a Church community with need to lean into this phenomena of increasing numbers of single moms with compassion and care. If we truly want to change the statistics we need to work on supporting families with tools rather than promoting women to swallow their feelings and unacceptable behavior.    

Excluding and judging women will do little to prevent divorce rates, nor will accepting them if they have a partner.  If we care about the intrinsic nature of women, we need to respect their autonomy, decision making ability, and unique faith journey in Christ regardless of their partnership status.  

Single moms face unique hurdles balancing the domestic work load, child care, professional development, legal battles, and often economic hardship.  Women are more likely to earn less after having children, while men are more likely to earn more.  Manifesto for Single Moms is a support guide for Single Moms but also talks about ways we can support single moms.  

As a church community we have to understand where single moms are coming from if we want to have more happy, healthy, and unified families.  

The unhealthy exclusion, judgement, an expectation that women bear all things will not prevent divorce, and does not create a welcoming environment for women to worship and pursue their faith.

 It is time that the Church creates support programs for single moms based out of compassion and understanding.  It is my hope that Manifesto for Single Moms will be a resource for your church in supporting single moms.